


Yet Still I Shiver

by batmanbeanie



Series: Stucky's Recovery Period [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Boyfriends, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Recovery, Stucky - Freeform, implied BDSM, implied sex, kind of?, stucky asf bye, well Steve almost has one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8898337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batmanbeanie/pseuds/batmanbeanie
Summary: Steve used to love the Winter, even if he did get sick a lot. The beauty of the snow blanketing the city, Christmas (Bucky stealing mistletoe). Now all that the cold of winter reminds him of is how he let the love of his life fall from a speeding train, how he was frozen when he was supposed to be dead. No one ever really noticed how bad it was; they never saw how he avoided the cold at all cost. Bucky did though, and he just wants his boy to be okay again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Um okay so hi babies! I was gonna write smut and then I didn't cuz idk i didn't want to stay too far away from the important part (which is Steve's PTSD). So that's why the end might be a little weird, kept it in though cuz I liked it. BUT if y'all want some smexy times lemme know!

Steven Rogers loves the snow. The way it blankets over the city almost brings him back to the days when he was small enough for Bucky to wrap him up and shield him from the cold. Almost brings him back to Bucky kneeling at his bedside, hands folded, pretending he's not praying for Steve to make it through the pneumonia that he could never avoid when the weather dropped. Almost makes him miss having snowball fights with Bucky and his sister; he'd always lose because Bucky never went easy on him (which meant more to Steve than if he'd have the victory of winning). Almost. See, he loves looking at the snow, seeing the cold wind whip the trees back and forth, but he can't stand the feeling of it anymore. Nowadays cold weather only made Steve anxious.  
He could handle everything that came with the cold in the 30's, even being sick every time Christmas came around. He could handle the freezing apartment because Bucky was there with him, and it was beyond nice having him as a personal heater. Than, he became Captain America. The soldier, who in the middle of winter, let the love of his life drop from a speeding train. The Captain that crashed the plane into the below zero waters because it was the right thing to do. The man that got trapped under the ice for decades.

He never wants to be in the cold ever again.

The first winter out of the ice was like a punch to the gut. Fury had set him up with a little apartment outside of the city; something that could help him adjust a little better, observing the new world from a distance. He thought that he would be fine, especially since the serum kept him from getting sick, nothing to worry about!  
He was so, so wrong. He took one step out of the apartment and fell to his knees. He couldn't catch his breath, every time he blinked all he saw was white glaciers and Peggy. Oh god, Peggy- "Bucky!" he screamed and reached out as if he could- Before he knew it Agent Coulson had pushed him back into the warmth of the house.  
People often forget that when Steve woke up, he'd only been this big for a little while. He's a soldier in suffering- a human being who has PTSD and panic attacks and he's just thrown into one war after another. Of course, he does it willingly like the selfless son of a bitch he is.

When Bucky realized how bad the team had let Steve got, he was pissed. He had realized it instantly. The way Steve never seemed to relax, how he would wake up abruptly in the middle of the night (thinking Bucky didn't know it was a nightmare), how when Bucky went in to shower after (or with Steve) and realized just how hot the water was... scolding. Steve would always just shrug it off, "I just like summer Buck... I like being warm" before he'd walk up and wrap his arms around Bucky to distract the worried look off his boys face. Thing is, Steve could never lie to Bucky; couldn't then, can't now.

"Stevie we need to talk." Bucky said determinedly, walking into Steve's art studio. He took a seat on the stool next to where Steve was painting. "About what Buck? Are you okay?" The captain asked, immediately putting his brush down, turning to give Bucky a worried look.  
Bucky bit his lip, "I was thinking we could go outside today, maybe go to the Christmas festival downtown..." he studied Steve's reaction as it went from excitement, to an inner battle with himself. It had been snowing all day, and one of the coldest days of the year. "I, I don't think I can today Buck I have a lot of work to get done..." He looked down trying to avoid Bucky's gaze.  
"What about tomorrow than Stevie?" Bucky stood up and put a hand on Steve's cheek, "Baby look at me."

"Buck don't make me go out in the cold..." Bucky pulled his boy closer and kissed the side of his head lovingly. Steve was slowly opening up and he didn't want to rush him, he didn't! But this needed to be discussed now. "Stevie listen, I know how you feel, and I know what you're going through. Hell baby I think I'm the only person in the world that can relate to you!" He laughed playfully as Steve burrowed further into the crook of his neck. "I could help you, we could do this together. The psychologist S.H.I.E.L.D. got for me she- she's taught me how to cope with some of my- Shit baby stop crying please..." Steve was choking on his tears before Bucky could even finish his sentence. "E-Every time" as his voice cracked he started again. "Every time I feel cold all I remember is what happened. What I let happen. The train, the ice, I hate feeling that bitterness it just, it b-brings back all those memories. L-Like I'm gonna lose you a-again and I can't Buck I'd die- I'd- " he couldn't even finish his thought before he slid down to his knees. Bucky was quick though, sliding down with his boyfriend he caught him before his knees even hit the hardwood floors. Pulling Steve into his lap, they sat there just holding each other while Steve cried. Bucky's metal arm ran up and down Steve's back soothingly. He was shaking. They both were. "Baby breathe, I've got you and you've got me okay?" He pulled Steve back with a hand on either side of his face. Thumbs moving softly against his wet cheeks. "Things are different now. Steve, Steve take a deep breath you're so strong baby." As Steve took in a shaky breath he finally met Bucky's eyes. "I know it's stupid.." Bucky have him a gentle slap before Steve could finish the thought. "Nothing about PTSD is stupid you punk." They both shared a small smile before Bucky pulled his boyfriend back against his chest and stood up, carrying him to their bedroom. "Stevie the cold can't hurt you-" "I know Buck I said it was stupid!" Bucky rolled his eyes as he placed Steve gently on the bed. "Stay". Bucky started rummaging around their bedroom, moving smoothly with a smirk on his face. That bastard, Steve loved him so much. "I know that there are better methods to help with," he waved his hand around the air as he started opening and closing drawers "whatever we're going through. But you see, baby, I'm fucking pissed at the team for letting you get this bad. This allllll could've been... avoided." He slammed a drawer shut and turned back to his oh so confused boyfriend. "There's better ways to deal with things like this. But I want to make it up to you. I want to make you feel good I, I want.." Bucky kneeled down in front of the bed between Steve's legs. "I want to make you shiver, give you goosebumps, associate the cold with a good feeling baby, not the past." He held up a dark blue scarf from the drawer. "I wanna try something. Trust me?"  
Steve was stunned silent. He had all these questions running through his head: "what does he mean?" "what're we gonna do?" "of course I trust him, he has to know I trust him!".  
"Bucky I trust you with, with everything you know that." Steve placed a hand on his boyfriends cheek, and a firm kiss on the lips. Bucky gave him a few more quick pecks on the lips before moving to his cheek, his jaw, and place a kiss right under his ear before whispering hotly against Steve's skin, "Do you remember your safe word baby? We're not doing anything too crazy but, just in case you can't handle it ya know?"  
Later on while they both lay in bed, a bowl of melted ice cubes and an empty tub of ice cream later, Bucky held Steve against his chest.  
"I love you"


End file.
